I thought I'd change it up with a little office humor today. I've worked at a couple of different places in my lifetime and because of that I've had the pleasure of encountering many, interesting personality types. For kicks and giggles I've decided to give them some affectionate nicknames and have provided you with a little rundown on each one.
See how many office types you can spot. Are you on the list? Share this list with friends or colleagues, and see who they peg for each type (try not to offend anyone).
(1.) Sunshine Suzie - 7:30 am and she is as chipper as they get. The birds sing to her as she glides through the office doors and she continues the sonnet as she sings good morning on the way in. Meanwhile, you are physically at your desk but your brain is still in bed.
(2.) Mystique – She has transformation abilities that would make Professor X tear up with pride. From 9-5 she’s Quinn; your prim and proper coworker with matching professional telephone voice. Come 5:01pm she morphs into Quanesharay‘nique Merlot Jenkins, your subject matter expert on Mob Wives, Basketball Wives and Real Housewives of __(insert any cast here).
(3.) The Email Addict - Never met an email they didn't like or didn't have the urge to “reply all” to. Their motto is "why say it in person when you can send it in an email... to everyone?."
(4.) The Weirdo – You know, the quiet and aloof type or the really talkative, just says weird s#!t type. Either way, you and your colleagues have developed a warning code in the event this person ever happens to get fired and shows up the following day just to say hi. "If you hear me scream out 'Banana Cream Pie', don't walk, run for the exits. ".
(5.) Shannon Doherty – Let’s be frank. She’s the office bitch complete with BRF (Bitchy Resting Face). She's impossible to work with and you often day dream about hurling your tape dispenser at her but it took you forever to get it and they're low on stock in the supply closet. Put it down.
(6.) Kanye - the Ying to Shannon Doherty's Yang, this guy is the epitome of douche. He's narcissistic, condescending and downright mean. You want to hurl your pencil cup at him (while completely filled with pens and pencils) but then you'd have to pick up all your pens and pencils. Sigh, it's more work than it's worth. Put it down.
(7.) Bullhorn Bret - You can hear this loud mouth coming from the elevator. For some reason he never realizes how loud he is. If the office is unusually quiet, it's probably because he’s out for the day.
(8.) The Party Planner - This coworker lives for office events. I mean, planning you're retirement party is their raison d'être. From the decor to the menu, she is the corporate version of David Tutera.
(9.) The Overachiever - If this were elementary school, they would be the ones raising their hand for every question and turning in extra credit on every assignment complete with hand drawn cover art. You can roll your eyes or you can try to keep up. This is business so I suggest you try and keep up.
(10.) Kelly Bundy - This unfortunate soul is literally clueless. You question how they get their work done because they literally have no idea. Don’t bother trying to explain, only 10% of whatever you explain will ever make it to the part of the brain that can intelligibly process information. Let it be.
(11.) Tommy Strawn – Remember Martin’s best friend Tommy who always claimed to have a job but could never provide evidence of said employment? That’s so this guy. You see him around the building but have no idea what he does. “Are you actually employed here or are you visiting? Where’s your visitors badge sir?”
(12.) The Name Dropper - Whether it's notables in your industry, executives in your organization or celebrities they just so happen to have hung out with last weekend, the Name Dropper makes it a point to let you know they are important (by association) by causally (read not so casually) mentioning the company they keep. "...so when you see it in person, Trumps hair totally looks like a spray-on toupee."
(13.) TMZ – She knows everybody’s business. She doesn’t have conversations, she gathers intel. Heard a rumor you need verified? Head to TMZ.
(14.) Jim Carrey - The office comedian. This guy is the budding rose in your daily pile of work manure. When he goes on vacation... "Wait, what do you mean you're going on vacation? Noooo don't leave me here with these people."
(15.) Mr.GQ & Ms. Vogue - They are perpetually overdressed. You're tempted to tell them to please go outside and double check the signage on the building because apparently they think they work somewhere else.
(16.) Telenovela – This one is all about the drama. The day just wouldn’t be right if there weren’t any fits, crying, eye rolling or the storming out of rooms.
(17.) President of the Happy Hour Committee - You can't have happy hour with out him. He knows all the best places to go, their best drinks and what all the specials are. He's not waiting until five o’clock either. He's flying out the door at 4:25 shouting "Drinks at Wet Willies!" on his way out.
(18.) Lady Gaga - What dress code? This nonconformist refuses to comply with your oppressive standards for business dress. They wear whatever the hell they want and essentially dare you to say something about it. How do you still work here?
19.) Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon - This ninja-like individual moves in remarkable silence. They slip in and out of rooms like a thief in the night. When they take off a week for vacation no one notices until the Friday before they comeback. "Was Johnson in today?"
(20.) The Homesteader - This co-worker has taken making themselves at home to a whole new level. They’ve furnished their cubicle with all the comforts of home and seemingly never leave. They’re there in the morning when you get in and they’re still there when you leave (lets not mention the late night emails).
Well there you go. A little something for everyone. My own personality is even included in a couple of these but it's all in good fun. Hope you enjoyed picking out the folks you've had the pleasure of working with. Thanks for reading.